Things Too Wonderful

Our storm began eighteen months ago when my husband, Steve, nearly lost his life on a campsite in Southern France, six hundred miles from home.   The stomach pains came suddenly and ferociously, causing him to cry out in agony and by the time the ambulance came he was delerious, with a sky high temperature and practically incoherant.  They diagnosed food poisoning, and sent him back to lie moaning in pain  on his campbed for the rest of the ‘holiday’ - expecting a recovery which never came - until eventually we drove the distance back to the UK and thankfully made it home.

We know now  that it was purely by the grace of God that his life was spared.  His appendix had ruptured and after eight days without treatment he was critically ill.  He spent five weeks in hospital on mega doses of antibiotics and we were told by the consultant afterwards that he could have died at any moment during that terrible week on the campsite and driving home, and that they hadn’t expected him to pull through even when they had him in hospital.  The poison had conglomerated within his intestines in a huge toxic mass; to operate could have killed him instantly so they could only watch and wait, and we could only pray.

He came out of hospital in October to continue his recovery at home.  We thought it was the end of the nightmare: in fact it was only the beginning of a long journey we are still on.
It is difficult to summarise the last eighteen months since then.  Steve’s health seemed for a long time to deteriorate rather than improve.  He had six hospital stays over the first year and three operations.  He was diagnosed with diverticulitis, leaky gut syndrome, a chronic yeast infection and hormone imbalances: he suffered abscesses and infection at the site where the appendix was eventually removed and later a hernia and the removal of a nasty looking lump which thankfully turned out to be benign.  In the middle of it all he broke his right arm in two places (I told him not to roller skate with the kids!) The burst appendix, and subsequent poisoning of his body set of a whole chain of health problems which he is still overcoming today.

When eventually he returned to work after almost a year, he just couldn’t cope.  Steve’s a teacher.  A good teacher.  The sort of teacher who gives 110% in every lesson, and his body just couldn’t keep up the pace.  Add to this a new job role, more reponsibility, increased work load and looming Ofsted and he ended up breaking down with the stress of it all and being signed off for six months then another three months.   He’s still signed off now.  Obviously this means that financially it’s a struggle: we’re living on my part time salary but God is good.  He has kept us.

If you met Steve you would not initially know there was anything wrong.  He is outgoing and gregarious, chatty and enthusiastic.  He is also suffering from Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS) and burnout.   The year of operations and ill health (and thrity years of accidents and illnesses before that) have really taken their toll on his body and he is physically burnt out. CFS affects the mind and emotions as well as the body, making him at times very depressed or angry with life in general.  He is easily irritated and sometimes can’t cope with noise of any kind - difficult with two young children in the family.  A lot of days he spends in bed, too exhausted to get up.  I’m never sure what I’m going to come home to; whether he’ll be depressed and tearful, irritated and angry, in bed and unable to get up, or absolutely fine with his natural optimism intact.  He can go to Church and get fully involved, chatting happily to everyone… then come home and crash, staying in bed for three days.  The difficulty is that people only seeing him on his good days, when he’s coping.  On the bad days he just stays in bed.

I’m not finding Steve’s illness easy - who would?! Looking back over the last eighteen months, it has been a nightmare.  I have been through mind numbing fear that I might lose him, disappointment after disappointment ( unanswered prayer is a tough one), anger, deep hurt, confusion, unbelief, depression, incredible stress  and much questioning.  Steve and I have stuck together - but it almost pulled us apart.   The kids have suffered and I have felt like a complete failure at trying to hold it all together and keep everyone sane in it all.  At times it has felt like I have been lost in thick darkness or stuck down a deep pit that I just can’t seem to find my way out of.

But there is treasure to be found in dark places, if you choose to look for it.  God hasn’t always answered the questions I have asked, but He has shown me His character in a way I never knew Him before.  He is big enough to cope with my doubts and my tantrums.  He knows the worst of me anyway and He still loves me. My faith has grown up a lot in the past eighteen months.   It’s a lot less simplistic and I don’t have nearly as many answers as I used to.  My God is much bigger than He used to be.  (Of course He hasn’t changed at all, but my perspective has completely).  I’m still in the storm.  But unlike eighteen months ago I’m learning to focus on Him instead of on the waves and that makes all the difference.

Job went through a horrible time too.  Far worse than we have.  He also asked God a lot of questions and God, who is incredibly wise, didn’t answer him either, but pointed Job to focus on His bigness; His awesome power in creating the world and keeping it going; and His character, which is at all times good and loving  -despite what we go through.  Job’s response?  ” Surely I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know” (42v3).

In this blog I’m going to share some of the lessons I’ve learnt  over the past eighteen months, and am still learning now (I have such a long way to go!)  My prayer is that it encourages and brings hope - especially to those of you who are also going through tough times.  May God hold you close enough to hear His heartbeat.  May you find peace in the storm.
Please leave your comments - I’d love to hear from you.

Trackback URI | Comments RSS